People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
