my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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