I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
