Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
