I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
