The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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