she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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