Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
