go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
