Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
