I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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