I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I look better un-naked...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
