this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
