If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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