I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
