I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
