The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
