just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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