my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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