my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
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i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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