i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
