This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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