I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
