You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
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Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
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I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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