i permit you to call me
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
