I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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