Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
