My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
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Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
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What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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