based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
