there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
