Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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