everyone is single if you try hard enough
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
