I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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