hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
