I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
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He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
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Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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