??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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