I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
