i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
