I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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