found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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