if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
