Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
