Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
