I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
sarcasm needs its own font
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
