I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
