Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
