I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
