Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
