You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
