you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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