There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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