my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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