My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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